The Worst Thumbsucker Ever

Thumb sucking is often seen as a childhood habit which most children outgrow at a tender age.
The worst thumbsucker ever, is an adult who knows he has the habit, appreciates it is not cool but does not care anyway. He can do it in all the wrong places: in the bathroom, on the sofa at a friend’s house, anywhere you can think of.

If you are wondering whether there is such a person who can take thumb sucking to such high levels, wonder no more, for you are just about to meet one. Meet David, he would a trophy for the worst thumbsucker if any competition was held today.

He has sucked his thumb all his 39 years and is not just about to drop the habit. This has made him have some very unique experiences all through his life, at home, school, workplace and everywhere he steps his feet. Most of his peers know him as David the thumbsucker who needs to quit.

It never used to bother anyone until he joined kindergarten. During class time, he would request to visit the washrooms and take more than half an hour out there sucking his thumb. His teacher had a duty to remind him that class time was not thumb sucking time. Eventually, he decided to do it in public, regardless of the mockery that would follow.

Breaking the habit proofed difficult as all the deterrent nail polish ended up in his tiny stomach. All the dentists gave up on him.

Apparently, David was a great footballer. Sadly the two could not go together and he chose thumb sucking over football.

Like every other hobby, thumb sucking often records its lowest times. One such time was when David broke his arm and he had his elbow joint supported by mold cast. It was the most difficult time for all of us, not from the pain he was feeling on the broken arm, but from the obstruction the mold cast caused. His thumb could hardly reach the mouth and this was extreme torture for the boy. Sometimes he would frantically beg that we “lend” him ours. Woe unto you if you offered to help; he would not let go your thumb easily, so you sit there for like an hour and leave with a numb thumb!

In high school,  he tried introducing thumb sucking as a sport. He was the only one willing to participate, but anyway he was given a chance. He competed against himself and yes, he emerge the best thumbsucker! Moving to the inter-schools competition level was, however, the major problem. No other school had such a sport and my brother’s dream to become the best thumbsucker ever in high school was shattered like that.

thumbsucker player

thumbsucker players

Going to university, David carried his hobby with him. At first, other students found it funny. For David, it was others to get used to his habit since he was nowhere near the quit button. There is no way he would relinquish his self-appointed position of the worst thumbsucker!

At some point, he decided to contest for a secretary general position. The humiliation he received from his competitors was beyond measure. They would print his campaign posters with his photo, the thumb in his mouth and bottoms in baby diapers – the power of photoshop! Sympathy has its own way of rewarding its favorites; he got a majority vote out of sympathy.

Today David is a family man, and as you know once in a while a husband and wife will always have some differences. His wife has perfected the art of cooling the temperatures; at the height of a heated argument, she slips his thumb into his mouth, and voila! The thumbsucker cools down and reconciliation happens like magic.

Ambitious David is now pushing to have a law recognizing thumb sucking as a disability. He first intended to have it recognized as a sport, but he realized the same challenges that faced his ambition in high school will haunt this endeavor; most thumbsuckers will not be willing to participate. He now wants to have it recognized as a disability. Here, every thumbsucker will come out in the open because of the benefits that they will likely enjoy: government incentives and preferential treatment in government jobs and tenders among others. Hoping that his petition goes through, David, the worst thumbsucker, is likely to finally reap some benefits from a hobby everyone despises.

dental impact thumb sucking

Has thumb sucking had an impact on his dental formula, speech, and jaws, you must be wondering! Yes, he has a signature overbite which makes him outstandingly noticeable in the middle of the biggest crowd.

He has, however, ignored the negative impact of thumb sucking and embraced it as a hobby. If anyone feels like laughing at him, David laughs with them instead of getting humiliated. It has had no negative impact on his social life


I am sure if he reads this article he will immediately start campaigning for its title to change from the worst thumbsucker ever to the best thumbsucker ever!